The Sacred Secret of Sorrow

Addendum:

"When I began writing this blog on August 20, 2026 — I had no idea that within a day of one another we would lose icons like Dolly Parton and Tim Curry, both at the age of 80. May this blog aid anyone who has lost a loved one recently; my thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time."

Chrystal

Today's article is about death and if you have experienced loss or are undergoing grief, I hope this chapter resonates with you. If you are still undergoing the processing of coping with a profound loss, please be aware that some of the terms and opinions below may be triggering so do take caution and perhaps step back for a while until you are ready. If you feel overwhelmed and alone during this time you can get in touch with me for a reading that may help you to navigate this journey. You are not alone. If you are having dark thoughts and feel like you might harm yourself, here are some numbers to call to get help during this time.

Samaritans 116 123 (available 24/7) — www.samaritans.org
Mind 0300 102 1234 — www.mind.org.uk
NHS 111

Grief can be seen as the great equalizer. It affects us all — the beautiful, the ugly, the rich, the poor — and it may take many forms. The loss of a loved one, a pet, or the ending of a relationship: the process remains the same. For the first time in human history, we have almost successfully eliminated "death" in the sense that we are so removed from the visceral face of fatality that we have become desensitized in a way. Even on platforms like YouTube one is not allowed to say "suicide" — the term is now "unaliving yourself." I see a big problem with this because not only does it trivialize an important passage of life, but it sterilizes and denigrates a profound life experience to something "soft and palatable." Death is not supposed to be palatable, respectable or even kind. Death is the ultimate truth, an inevitability we must all face and cannot run from.

When confronted with Death, it forces us to go within, to face the shadow — and one will never be prepared for this arduous odyssey, as what one may find there in the darker recesses of the psyche can be utterly terrifying. Yet with self-awareness, honesty and compassion, the traversing may go smoother — albeit not without pain.

The Five Stages of Grief

Here are the 5 stages as illustrated by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, with additions made by me based on personal experience.

1: Denial

A temporary shock absorber. For some this can manifest as dissociation, or being on autopilot, and it is all too common in the first weeks of bereavement. This hits everyone differently and we all find ways to cope. Some will busy themselves with the arrangements — picking out the clothes for the departed, selecting the coffin, preparing the eulogy, booking the venue for the memorial, making food for the expected mourners — going through it all in a silent frenzy so as to stop yourself from having time to reflect, lest you might fail to keep it together. The mind races with thoughts like "They are not gone, they just stepped out to get some milk, this is just a dream" — the memories of the last time you saw them replaying on repeat. "It's too soon, I thought we had more time" are but a tiny example of what might occur within the mind in the first few days. Again, each experience is unique to the individual. For some there is just a blank emptiness, and the body animated as if operated by strings from some invisible heavenly hand.

2: Anger

After the initial shock dissipates and the denial subsides, anger tends to surge from the belly upward in a fury that may be uncharacteristic. This is an important phase and the anger (usually directed at the deceased) stems from a feeling of injustice or helplessness. This is healthy, and one must let it out — in a controlled environment where at all possible — such as alone in a room, taking a walk in nature, screaming into a pillow, or digging with the hands in the dirt. Both actions can be grounding. Let the tears come; there is no shame in feeling deeply. Anger that is suppressed lodges itself within the body, and the nervous system keeps score — unchannelled anger is the main cause of somatic illness over time. Therefore, take your time and remember to be kind to yourself. We often show more compassion towards strangers than to ourselves, and now is the time to turn that compassion inward.

3: Bargaining

This is the stage where you have conversations with the divine — spirit, universe, insert what is appropriate — when you ask the powers that be to take the pain. This can involve "what if" statements. This is the stage where you may be filled with guilt, ruminating and engaging in thoughts of "If only I called" or "Why didn't I say anything? I could have stopped them." None of us can stop or prevent the inevitable, and it is not personal. From a universal perspective, the only constant is change. And while we cannot stop destiny, we can decide how we choose to interact with that which we have no hand in controlling.

4: Depression

This is perhaps the hardest stage, for you never know when it might hit you first. One moment you are in your car, and a song comes on the stereo and suddenly you need to pull over onto the hard shoulder so you can cry. Or you could be fine in the morning, but by lunchtime be completely despondent and just lay there on the bed staring at the ceiling. You forget to eat, brush your teeth or even leave the sanctity of your room. The mind plays tricks on you — you might still smell them, hear their voice from another room, or see them from the corner of your eyes. This is perhaps the cruellest of games the mind can conjure.

5: Acceptance

Coming to terms with the reality of the loss. This does not necessarily mean happiness or resignation, but an adjustment to the new reality without the deceased. The longing to have them still with you will never truly go away, but time certainly softens the blow.

Here are some practical tips that may help you navigate this trying period. Firstly, let us look at how our ancestors dealt with loss. All cultures across the globe have their own approaches to processing the passing of a loved one. According to statistical data, it is said that the Mexicans and the Irish handle grief better than other nations — so let us investigate why, and perhaps find some methods to assist us in our own process.

"According to the National Institute of Health, a study published in the Journal of Traumatic Stress found that grieving individuals in Ireland have significantly lower rates of Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD) — 10.9% compared to 15.3% in the neighbouring UK. Sociologists attribute this psychological resilience to the structured, highly communal nature of the traditional Irish wake. Similarly, psychological research on Mexican culture shows that integrating death into daily life, rather than treating it as a taboo, dramatically lowers death anxiety and prevents long-term depression."

The following was taken from Google and summarizes why the Mexican and Irish methods are so effective:

1. Radical Acceptance vs. Western Avoidance

Unlike many modern Western cultures that institutionalize, sterilize, and shield families from the physical reality of death, Ireland and Mexico bring death directly into the living room. The body is brought into the home and placed on a bier while the family begins their preparations for the farewell.

The Irish Face-to-Face: During an Irish wake, the deceased is laid out inside the family home, often in an open coffin. Mourners physically sit with the body, touch the hand of the deceased, and say their final goodbyes. This immediate, tactile confrontation forces the human brain to register the permanence of the loss, accelerating the initial, critical stages of grief.

Mexican Childhood Integration: In Mexico, children are rarely shielded from funerals. As documented by researchers in Embracing Death, imagery of skeletons and sugar skulls are a common part of childhood. Death is personified, joked about, and integrated into play, stripping away the paralyzing fear of the unknown from a young age.

2. Joy as a Tool for Healing

Both cultures intuitively understand that a "healthy" mourning process does not mean suppressing sorrow, but rather blending it seamlessly with celebration, laughter, and storytelling.

Irish Storytelling and Alcohol: An Irish wake is famously lively. While tears are shed, the room is equally filled with tea, alcohol, and light-hearted memories. Celebrating a life lived, rather than solely focusing on the tragedy of death, provides immediate psychological relief to the immediate family.

Mexican Fiestas for the Departed: The world-famous Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) transforms grief into a massive, vibrant fiesta. Families construct beautiful ofrendas (altars) adorned with marigolds, candles, and favourite foods. This shift from a tone of agonizing finality to a celebratory "welcome home" changes the neurochemical experience of remembering a lost loved one.

3. Absolute Communal Responsibility

In both societies, a death triggers an automatic, total community mobilization, ensuring the immediate family is never isolated.

The Irish "Stopping of the Clock": When a death occurs in an Irish village or neighbourhood, normal routines stop. Neighbours immediately descend on the house to cook, clean, make tea, and manage logistics. This acts as a protective social buffer, allowing the immediate family to process their raw shock without the burden of administrative isolation.

Mexican Collective Mourning: Mexican velorios (wakes) and funeral processions are massive multi-generational affairs. Entire neighbourhoods contribute food and stand together through prolonged multi-day religious and secular ceremonies. Sociologists note that this public validation of pain shields individuals from the dangerous sensation of feeling lonely in their grief.

4. Ongoing "Continuing Bonds"

Modern Western grief theory heavily emphasizes "closure" or moving on. Irish and Mexican traditions reject this, favouring a healthy psychological concept known as "continuing bonds."

Irish Ancestral Presence: The dead are never truly gone in the Irish psyche; they are spoken of regularly, and toast after toast is raised to them for years to come.

Mexican Annual Return: Día de los Muertos provides a permanent calendar date for active, ongoing dialogue with the dead. Research shows that older adults who maintain active, ritualistic "contact" with their deceased loved ones experience much lower rates of existential anxiety.

Source: Google Search

Now that we have covered the reasons why some cultures are better at mourning, let us discuss practical steps you can take that will help you to process your loss. As a seasoned Tarot reader with 23 years' experience and occultist, I am not only able to hold space for people struggling with grief but at times I can be a bridge between the worlds. Most of us, while we might not ascribe to a religion or particularly believe in the unseen — I can assure you that in my life as a Pagan I have experienced the presence of the Divine on multiple occasions, and it is always humbling to witness something outside the usual scope of our limited experiences. The belief in the divine is not just some placebo but a real, tangible boon to those who have the faith to overcome and the bravery to transcend. Grief can therefore be seen as one of the most sacred of keys that may unlock our greatest potential. Few things can teach humility quite like death, and without humility we are but slaves to the ego.

While it is not necessary to find faith in order to grieve, it certainly helps.

Here are some things that helped me — and if you can find value in the steps below, I am grateful. Don't forget, where at all possible, to set up a loyal support network of friends and loved ones on whom you can count if it gets too much to bear. It is also a benefit to have access to a bereavement counsellor or death doula that may offer you that extra bit of support.

1: The Hermit

Temporary retreat is a must. Most people, while meaning well, will not grasp the depth of your inner world right now and they might try to include you in social engagements or invite you to events in order to distract you — but this is detrimental to the process. Take time off where at all possible and just be. You don't need to perform, to be available (those closest to you will understand) or even to answer the phone. This time is yours alone to process. You can buy yourself a beautiful journal in which you may record your thoughts, and you can also use this journal to write to your dearly departed — to tell them that which you were never able to do while they were alive.

2: The Magician

The tarot teaches us that everything we require is within, as so beautifully illustrated in the second card of the Major Arcana. Let the Magician guide you next. Showing up for yourself each day is an act of self-care, and over time this will forge a solid foundation and enable self-love and the ability to transmute pain into power. Trust the process. You can start the day with your morning coffee and your notebook. Write down the things you are grateful for and check in with your body — how are you feeling? Heavy, lethargic, stiff or sore? The body is a great indicator, so practise body awareness where possible. Eating clean and drinking plenty of water also helps. Breathwork is fundamental as it helps to regulate the nervous system, and a regulated nervous system enables you to handle panic attacks and anxiety much more effectively. Gentle exercise is also beneficial. As I was in the grip of nigredo, I would often just begin to dance, even while the tears were flowing. Movement helped every single time. Daily walks in nature are a balm for the soul — find what works for you.

The Sun

The greatest antidote to suffering is joy. Did you know that the frequency of laughter can destroy any low-level energy vibration? So even if you don't feel like it, just laugh — at first it might be forced, but soon it will be infectious. Each day write down 5 things that you are grateful for and 5 things that you saw that day that were beautiful. It could be the sunrise from your window, a song that moved you, a quote that resonated, or a small act of kindness from a stranger. In the midst of death, choose life — it is the most precious gift there is, even when it does not feel that way at times. Nothing lasts, and neither will this pain. When your time comes you will be reunited with the ones you love.

If you consider that death is not the end but merely a transition — that our loved ones have moved on to another realm beyond our reach, and that in time it will be our turn to join them — then the grief does not seem so insurmountable. Below are instructions on how to set up an Ofrenda (altar) for a loved one. It can be in a cupboard, a small nook in the house, or a wee table. You can decorate this little space with photographs, trinkets and artefacts that once belonged to your loved ones, and keep a white candle which you can light with intention to speak to your dearly departed, who are never far away. Not only is this a beautiful way to keep your ancestors near, but it helps the psyche to find closure and acceptance.

For those of you who have just tasted grief — I hear you, I see you, and I want you to know that the only way out is through. And tomorrow, the sun also rises.

The Hierophant

Finding healing through ritual. Several years ago, I came across an interview with supermodel Iman, the widow of David Bowie, who departed this world a decade ago. She opened up to the journalist about her journey through grief, and it stayed with me. She said that in the months after losing David, she would go on daily walks on the family's country grounds and she began to gather rocks and arrange them in stacks akin to those found so commonly in the Highlands of Scotland — called Cairns. With people often dying far away from their homeland, the Scots had the tradition of creating a nature memorial for their dearly departed, and I think this is a beautiful image of a woman coming to terms with her loss and finding solace in nature.

Collectively, ritual has always anchored us to nature, and now in the age of the machines — with our ties to nature getting weaker — the need to reconnect is more pressing than ever before. When in nature, one is confronted with a higher power, bigger than us mere mortals; nature with its own clock, and everything in it marching steadily and slowly in beat with it. Especially with grief, time becomes the medicine — the slow passage of time that softens the edges of sorrow.

When you find the grief to be overwhelming, try to get out where you can. Take a walk, go and find a bench in a park to just sit and observe the world around you. Last but certainly not least, do not underestimate the power of community. Our ancestors were deeply aware of this, and a grief shared is a grief halved. Get involved in a local group or even just an online chat group of folks undergoing the same sacred journey. It is when we reconnect with others that our differences become less apparent, and we realise again the interconnectedness of everything on this planet. By sharing our joys and triumphs we are reminded of our shared humanity — that is when inspiration comes, or revelation about our own unique purpose in this world. And in turn, where necessary, we can be the beacons in the darkness for others.

Eternal Inner Light,
Chrystal

If you wish for guidance from the Tarot during this time, I am offering a 25% discount on all readings from now until the end of September 2026.

Recommended reading: The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller

Photography: Duncan McCall — @DuncanMccallphoto